Put down the thesaurus

If you're like me and you do a lot of copy editing, you probably see a lot of words that are almost the right one, but laughably out of context (embellish instead of enhance is a recent one -- although both involving adding to, they are not the same word by a long shot). Also, whereby is not an all-purpose conjunction.

The point is, using a thesaurus to add variety is a good thing. Using a thesaurus to try to sound smart, but really having no clue what you're saying, well, you can figure it out.

Ed. note: This is just a part in my ongoing battle against people who think they're smarter than they really are. It's much better to act dumber than you are, so every now and then you can be really brilliant and impress the hell out of people.

It's Lindsay time!

Ok so she has a terrible weave and got an incredibly light sentence, but Lindsay Lohan looks fantastic! And isn't that all that counts? She's wearing real pants, a lil American Apparel, got a little (just a little) Lindsay-meat back on her bones, and her skin looks an almost normal, non-orange color. Riley must be good for her.

Um, does anyone else see the irony of a reformed everything-addict working at a blood drive? Just sayin'.

Oh Linds, move to NY. I think now that you're in a somewhat better place in life, all you need is my undying friendship/stalkerhood to keep you on the straight and narrow.

The countdown begins

December 4: Victoria's Secret fashion show/Spice Girls reunion bonanza! OMG!

Either every natural disaster possible will happen everywhere on earth, simultaneously, dinosaurs will come back to life and Nostradamus will have been right after all. Or, given all the beautiful plastic ladies in one place with the beautiful poptificent music, we'll all be floated to a beautiful pink Malibu Barbie mansion, and we'll all live happily ever after.

More likely I'll eat sushi and watch The Hills online, because that's what I do on Tuesdays, and I'll have a vague yearning for a lacy, pushy-uppy, candy colored bras.

Wait, why is this happening on a Tuesday? It could at least get Thursday billing, especially with the writers strike. Apocalypse it is, I guess.

Subways are smelly

So if a number 5 train is running on the 2/3 track and going up the west side instead of Lexington Ave., is it in fact a number 5 train? Ponder.

WTF?

Does celebrity gossip ever just leave you feeling lost, confused and a little scared? Restarateurs with $1,000 umbrellas and one-named models do not belong with the likes of Owen Wilson. The uniquely New York tale of Page Six brown-nosing a restarateur who gave them money (?) and let a model use/break his designer umbrella is not the place for a blond Texan with a charmingly crooked face. And where's Jessica Simpson while Owen's Bikram Yoga-ing it up with Le Call (yes that's her name)?

Also, Dear Nello Balan,
If you give me anything that's worth $1,000, I promise, promise, promise I won't return it to you broken in half.

And Le Call can break an umbrella in half? That's hardcore. If the whole modeling/dating Owen Wilson/mooching off restarateurs thing doesn't work out, she should totally go on the new American Gladiators.

I haven't forgotten ...

Some of you reading this may wonder why I haven't mentioned the writers strike over in Hollywood. (Probably not actually. I'm pretty sure my parents are the only people who read this, and if they really wanted my opinion, they would just ask.) Well, sadly, I don't have cable. I watch Grey's Anatomy online. Often not until the weekend. So I couldn't give a rat's ass, suckas.

I would like to say, however, go union! Pay writers more! Not just TV writers, all writers! And pretty fantasmo of Jon Stewart to pay his writers out of pocket. I would totally vote for him for president over Stephen Colbert.

Mmmm chocolate

Just having an afternoon Twix (even though peanut butter cups were mysteriously 10 cents cheaper than all the other chocolate bars) and pondering some of those limited edition chocolates. Remember caramel peanut butter cups? And the crunchy ones with the chocolate cookie in them? And cookies and cream Twix? All that stuff is such a tease -- you never know when they're going to go away, so you don't know when to stock up on the really good ones. It looks like dark chocolate M&Ms are here to stay, though, so that's good. But at the same time, there's that ridiculous M&M store in Times Square where you could probably get them there anyway. So to all you candy company execs who read this (I know you do), please submit to me a schedule of your limited edition chocolate bars and allow me to determine which ones you keep. Thanks!

More crazy Brits!

Dear Keira Knightley,

I, too, am a "moody bastard." Bfs 4-eva?

xoxo,
That Girl

Love those kooks across the pond. Except you, Pete Doherty. Get it together. But congrats to Ms. Lilly Allen on the Agent Provacateur deal. Size 8 lingerie modeling? I'm all for it.

Best mental image of the day

Jenna Bush in Texas Monthly magazine:

“What do you think your dad’s doing right now?”

“Riding his bike around the White House lawn. He’s a maniac on that bike.”

Does anyone else picture Georgie in a suit (navy pinstripe, red tie) on a trike, laughing maniacally, riding on the lawn in front of the White House? Good stuff.

Crushed

Pervs Ride the 5 Train? Does this mean I have to stop feeling superior that I don't live on the M, R, F, or G (which are clearly silly, pain in the ass Brooklyn trains)? Damn you, Post. Pervs or not, I get into the city faster, suckas!

On a serious note ...

It's political shpiel time!

I'm a dyed-in-the-wool liberal. I like social services and civil liberties up the wazoo (does that sound dirty?), and while I may never leave the Democratic nation of the Northeast ever again if Hillary doesn't win the election, I can't help but read every silly thing I see about Rudy Giuliani.

The thing about this flip-flopping, sometimes fan of the Red Sox and abortion rights, is that he started off almost electable, and he may still be. He's a compassionate tough guy with his foibles. He doesn't like crime or people dying, and he's a big fan of clean cabs and hot dog stands. But in speaking his mind (a good thing, right?), he continues to say stupid shit. Supporting the disgraced former police commissioner? Ends justify the means, loyalty, blah blah blah: The guy stole taxpayers money. And Republicans hate taxes.

He is so noncommital. That's supposed to be a bad thing when running for office, no? So while he's too liberal for the Republicans to like him, and the Dems find him too brash and head-busting, he keeps all of our attention. Well played, Rudy, well played.

Those crazy Brits

So, Heather Mills is a gold-digging, altogether unpleasant lady. I mostly hate her because of all her running to the press to talk about how much she hates the press nonsense, because, let's be honest, if I were divorcing a gazillionaire, I'd try to make of with a big settlement too (although not by spreading nasty rumors about him).

Anywho, Stella McCartney is adorable. So I kind of love her one-leg pendant as a dig at her ex-stepmother. I mean, you can't say it's not fashion. Berns Rothschild bought pounds of chicken feet to cast a mold for a golden one and sell it as a necklace. Why not a little human leg?

But seriously Heather, think of the child (little Bea). Take the high road. Let Stella sell her necklaces and Paul roll around in his big money pit (do rich people actually have these, a la Scrooge McDuck? I totally would), and stop giving these silly interviews, comparing yourself to Princess Di.

And Stella, if you're looking for a new BFF, I think I'd like to fill that role.

Oh, right, that Halloween thing

Here's my rundown:

Paris Hilton had like 100 costumes, although I guess if you're P, just one won't do. Aside from the ass-hang-outage of the Alice in Wonderland one, it was surprisingly creative. Good job Paris! Keep supporting those troops who don't get to celebrate Halloween!

Britney = Gross. For real.

Heidi and Spencer (I doubt I'll ever be calling them Speidi, FYI), although a disgusting couple, were kind of precious. Heidi even covered herself up. But did she have more work done? Also in the Hills tip, Audrina's costume was cute and all, but I've just never really felt a connection. If Lo had worn that costume, I would have been all over it.

Heidi Klum, even in full-body cat costume, you look like a cupcake. And I love that about you.

And Ellen DeGeneres as "I'm not pregnant" J. Lo looked so much prettier than she does normally. I think it was mostly just the dark hair made her eyes pop. Are you reading this Ellen? Dark hair works.

Also of note, the majority of the boys under 8 years old in my neighborhood were dressed up as cops. Now I don't live in the very greatest of great neighborhoods, so I found it a little odd.

What the bump?

When I get pregnant, I plan to get massively rolly all over, just so no one can refer to my one, singular baby bump. Why doesn't this phrase bug everyone else? We get it -- celebrities are in better shape than everyone else, so they don't gain weight when they're pregnant, they just get a cute little bump. Or maybe, it's that, although we look at Britney's vagina every day in the tabs, we're shy about talking about a grown woman's belly. I don't know what the reasoning is, and I was shocked that my favorite nonmilitantly feminist blog, Jezebel, would perpetuate such silliness. Seriously can we just call a belly a belly? Or at least come up with a less annoying euphemisn? Bowling ball, lovehump, bun in the oven, whatever. Spread the word. The bump is over.

And so it begins

Why blogging? Why now? To talk about shoes, books, The Hills, and things that make me laugh and piss me off. And because, you know, all the cool kids are doing it. I'm starting off slow here -- I feel like this is something I've thought about and planned for so long, so I'm a little overwhelmed in the face of my brilliant blogginess. But there will be more. Oh will there be more.