The Hills

Dear Heidi,

I wanted to like you. I just thought you were naive and vulnerable and silly. But then I saw you walking down the street on last night's episode, dressed in a horrible spandex number that I'm pretty sure made an appearance in Pretty Woman. Your shoes were high and spiky, platformy and shiny. Your poor lips were collagen-injected so they looked like a duck's bill. Consider this an intervention: I can't do anything for you until your ready to admit you have a problem. You're starting to look like the love child of Dinah Lohan and Jenna Jameson. Please get help.

Best,
That Girl

My triumphant return

So I kind of dropped off the face of the earth. And now my readership is up to like five, so I've got to step my game up.

First things first, I don't like this article. While I admire the spirit of trying to write like the poors, um, since when did buying cheap groceries become a fun novelty experiment? And who is this reporter at the happy-holidays-you're-laid-off Times who shops at the Gourmet Garage? (The Times doesn't put hits out on snarky bloggers, does it?)

So there's a lot more that's happened since I last blogged, and I should write a super-post ranting about all of it, but I'm just going to leave you five with this: Why has no one mentioned that Katryzna on this season of Top Model looks like Kelly Kapowski?

Put down the thesaurus

If you're like me and you do a lot of copy editing, you probably see a lot of words that are almost the right one, but laughably out of context (embellish instead of enhance is a recent one -- although both involving adding to, they are not the same word by a long shot). Also, whereby is not an all-purpose conjunction.

The point is, using a thesaurus to add variety is a good thing. Using a thesaurus to try to sound smart, but really having no clue what you're saying, well, you can figure it out.

Ed. note: This is just a part in my ongoing battle against people who think they're smarter than they really are. It's much better to act dumber than you are, so every now and then you can be really brilliant and impress the hell out of people.

It's Lindsay time!

Ok so she has a terrible weave and got an incredibly light sentence, but Lindsay Lohan looks fantastic! And isn't that all that counts? She's wearing real pants, a lil American Apparel, got a little (just a little) Lindsay-meat back on her bones, and her skin looks an almost normal, non-orange color. Riley must be good for her.

Um, does anyone else see the irony of a reformed everything-addict working at a blood drive? Just sayin'.

Oh Linds, move to NY. I think now that you're in a somewhat better place in life, all you need is my undying friendship/stalkerhood to keep you on the straight and narrow.

The countdown begins

December 4: Victoria's Secret fashion show/Spice Girls reunion bonanza! OMG!

Either every natural disaster possible will happen everywhere on earth, simultaneously, dinosaurs will come back to life and Nostradamus will have been right after all. Or, given all the beautiful plastic ladies in one place with the beautiful poptificent music, we'll all be floated to a beautiful pink Malibu Barbie mansion, and we'll all live happily ever after.

More likely I'll eat sushi and watch The Hills online, because that's what I do on Tuesdays, and I'll have a vague yearning for a lacy, pushy-uppy, candy colored bras.

Wait, why is this happening on a Tuesday? It could at least get Thursday billing, especially with the writers strike. Apocalypse it is, I guess.

Subways are smelly

So if a number 5 train is running on the 2/3 track and going up the west side instead of Lexington Ave., is it in fact a number 5 train? Ponder.

WTF?

Does celebrity gossip ever just leave you feeling lost, confused and a little scared? Restarateurs with $1,000 umbrellas and one-named models do not belong with the likes of Owen Wilson. The uniquely New York tale of Page Six brown-nosing a restarateur who gave them money (?) and let a model use/break his designer umbrella is not the place for a blond Texan with a charmingly crooked face. And where's Jessica Simpson while Owen's Bikram Yoga-ing it up with Le Call (yes that's her name)?

Also, Dear Nello Balan,
If you give me anything that's worth $1,000, I promise, promise, promise I won't return it to you broken in half.

And Le Call can break an umbrella in half? That's hardcore. If the whole modeling/dating Owen Wilson/mooching off restarateurs thing doesn't work out, she should totally go on the new American Gladiators.